i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
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I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Going into Monday like
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys