If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
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Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Shower sex be like:
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.