Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
You Might Also Like
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting