Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
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ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.