They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
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If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*