Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
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Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.