There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
You Might Also Like
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.