If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
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Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
When the stylist spins you back around
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Owl Sanctuary
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem