There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
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Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl