Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
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6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this