30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
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I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.