Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
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So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
my favorite genre of twitter
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.