Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
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Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
technically true but not a great slogan
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.