I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
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Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?