According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
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Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”