No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
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*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.