Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
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ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.