Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
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me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.