How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
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Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
This could be us, but you weedin’.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.