fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
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Mouse
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
The prophecy is fulfilled
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis