What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
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Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Tremendous stuff
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.