Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
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A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Beware of fowl play.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.