I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
You Might Also Like
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.