Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
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ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.