How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
You Might Also Like
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.