Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
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“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector