A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
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Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
I have never heard an armadillo before.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.