I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
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Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.