As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
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The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Please do it!
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?