Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
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“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
(yawn)
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
stand with me against insufficient seating
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM