WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
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I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.