Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
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Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
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What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
This is always good for a laugh.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.