Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
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From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
the three branches of government
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.