I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
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My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
step 6: release the wall snake
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Leaving the Barbers like
Digital security in Ancient Troy
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
is this how new cars are made??
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications