[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
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“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed