Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
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No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?