HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
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[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
That’s easy for you to say
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.