[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
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Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
lol
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
*pronounces surface like Versace*
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.