me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
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the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”