[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
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A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.