Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
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I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
2022 be like
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there