In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
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WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
how was your vacation
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore