Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
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My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.