How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
You Might Also Like
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.