I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
You Might Also Like
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.