Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
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Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
This made me chuckle.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty