[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
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Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Finally
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Yup
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet