Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
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Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
I’m putting together a team
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye