Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
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Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I’m listening
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
When I snag the last meatball.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
sry
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?