This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
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“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
don’t we all
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*